Everything Wrong With Your Favorite Elf Prince
by Olympic Gold Penguin
Summary: His golden hair shimmering in the wind. Ice blue eyes that will melt your heart. A smile that anyone would die for. Kind words in time of need. Ever think anything was wrong with him? Well. There is.
1. Lori-elves

**I'm anti-Legolas. Sue me. So, really? Nobody ever though that anything at all was wrong with that stupid prince? Well gee! I'm a she-dwarf and totally anti-elf. They're so friggin perfect! Arwen. I mean come on, clichéd like shit! Legolas. So many stories were he's the love interest! Seriously. Get your Mary Sue fantasies out of the gutter clouds.**  
**I don't own LOTR, will (hopefully) never own Sues, and this is a parody. Get that? OOCness and stupidity involved.**

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_Chapter 1: Lori-elves_

How the hell does he keep his golden hair so shiny and long. Knot free and flowing? Well. He uses shampoo. That's right.  
Lothlorien uses Loriel.  
I haven't a fuck what Rivendell uses.  
And Mirkwood. Well, it uses giant spider web mixed with rabbit blood. (Do not try this at home!) And yet it works. It's called Mirkwood Miracle Shampoo. But. You have no idea what that elf looks like without his shampoo. The right kind. I was camping with my dad one night. Then I heard a shrill girlish cry (A/N: did I mention I'm in-a-way, anti-Frodo? No, well I am.) in the distance. Turns out it's a hobbit named Frodo. Anyway, I was lugged to Rivendell. And, once. The crazy elf ran up to me. His hair brown, frizzy, and sticking out everywhere. Looking for Mirkwood Miracle Shampoo. His dad shipped some to him through owl-mail. See what insanity I have yet to put up with?

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**Thank you. But. I mean. Seriously. I know elves have 'natural beauty' but. That's just way to ridiculous. :) bare with me!**


	2. How I got into the fellowship

**I realised. Do elves know about dwarves and the Barlog. But I remembered that Glorfindel once did something (heroic!) with a Barlog. So, that's enough for me. Due to small amount of chapters and my half hearted promise to update daily. This is your chapter of the day. This is chapter 2 re-done. I don't own LOTR even though I wish. And also, this will be mostly made of flashbacks. And have no Legolas flaw. Just some re cap.**

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_Chapter 2 re-done: How I got into the fellowshi_p

So, Lord Elrond. Yeah, he hates me. I am forced. Not just allowed. _Forced_. To go to the council meeting of which I've seen two billion times. True. I am Ruth Windsnap. I'm 15 and I have anger management issues. Get over it. Little re-cap.  
One night me and my father were camping...  
_Flash back_  
"Dad, did you remember to pack the spark rocks?" I asked. "Yup, there in the blue bag." He replies pitching the tent. "Okay." I said opening the bag. Something red was in there. It was glowing. "Dad" I asked scared "What is it?" He replies not looking my way. "What is this..." I tried to ask but my hand went through the bag. "Who's there?" He asked turning around. "It's me" I said "Ruth, your daughter..." "I only have a son, and his name is Herman." He replied coldly to the air. "Can't you see me?" I begged. "No." He replied. Everything after that was black, until I opened my eyes to see an orc. After some tree climbing and scouting (plus screaming and running) I made my way to Rivendell.  
_End of flash back_  
The council just ended... oops, I made you miss it.  
_Flash back_  
"Strangers of distant lands, friends of old." The lord of the eyebrows said "You have been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor. Middle Earth stands upon the brink of destruction; none can escape it. You will unite or you will fall. Each race is bound to this fate, this one doom. Bring forth the ring, Frodo."  
Frodo stood up, walked to the pedestal, and placed the ring. All the while I was inspecting my nails, I wonder if Middle Earth as Baby Blue nail polish...  
"Boromir!" Aragorn yelled snapping me out of my teenage trance. Gandalf stood and chanted in the black tongue as the sky grew very dark. "Never before has any voice uttered the words of that tongue here, in Imladris." Elrond snapped. "I do not ask your pardon, Master Elrond, for the black speech of Mordor may yet be heard in every corner of the West! The Ring is altogether evil!" Gandalf retorted. "I agree with the wizard!" I piped up. "No, it is a gift! A gift to the foes of Mordor. Why not use this Ring?' Boromir asked. 'Long has my father, the Steward of Gondor, kept the forces of Mordor at bay. By the blood of our people are your lands kept safe! Give Gondor the weapon of the Enemy. Let us use it against him!" Boromir chimed... again. "You cannot wield it, none of us can." Aragorn plainly spoke. "And what would a ranger know of this matter?" Boromir sneered. Oh was he in for a surprise... "This is no mere ranger." Legolas piped up "this is Aragorn, son of Arathorn, and heir to the throne of Gondor. You owe him your allegiance." Aragorn shuffled bit with all the attention drawn to himself. Finally he said "Havo dad Legolas." _Sit down Legolas. _Legolas decided to sit down. Boromir chewed on this a bit before spitting it out and saying "Gondor has no king! Gondor needs no king!" To that I muttered "Gondor has no brains." Earning a few smiles from certain elves. "Aragorn is right, we cannot use it." Gandalf imputed, deciding to be a total ass, I said "I second that!" "Then it is decided" Elrond... decided "the ring must be destroyed." Boromir sat in defeat, glaring at me. I did the only thing a mature woman such as I could.  
I stuck my tongue out at him.  
"Well, what are we waiting for!" Gimli yelled, grabbing an axe. He whacked the ring, and the axe shattered, resulting in a shocked Gimli on the floor. "The ring cannot be destroyed, Gimli son of Gloin, by any craft that we possess" Elrond said, smirking slightly. I fought back the laugh attack. "It must be taken deep into Mordor and cast into the chasm from whence it came." He dramatically paused "One of you must do this." There was silence. Then Boromir spoke up again. "One does not simply walk into Mordor," he began, and launched into his famous speech. I mouthed the words. "Have you heard nothing Lord Elrond has said?" Legolas cried out (talk about girly) "The Ring must be destroyed!" "And I suppose you think you're the one to do it?" Gimli roared, leaping to his feet. "And if we fail, what then?" Boromir said also standing up. "What happens when Sauron take back what is his?" I wanted to slap him so hard... "I will be dead before I see the Ring in the hands of an elf! Never trust an elf!" Gimli yelled resulting in chaos. Deciding to be Sueish and let Frodo speak I yelled "Hay assholes!" All eyes turned to me "I don't know if you have noticed." I pointed to Frodo "but a munchkin." Frodo frowned at this whilst Gimli held back his laughs. "Is trying to tell you something most likely helpful. So shut the fuck up and listen." I sighed and sat down.  
Men.  
"I will take it." He said scared. "I will take the ring to Mordor. Though I don't know the way" at this Gandalf smiled and said "Then I shall help you bare this burden, as long it is yours to bare." "You have my sword" Aragorn said. "And my bow." Legolas said. Obvious. "And my axe!" Gimli said deciding not to be outdone by a pointy eared blonde. "If it is the will the council, then Gondor will see it done." Boromir added. "Mr. Frodo's not going anywhere without me!" Sam yelled running in. "Yes" Elrond said playing with a smirk. "It is hard to separate you two even though he summoned to secret council and you are not." Sam blushed a bit. "Oi!" Pip said running out, Merry on his trial. "We're coming too!" "You'll have to tie us up in a sack and send us home to stop us!" Merry declared. "Ruth shall be aiding you on this quest." Elrond sod with obvious relief. "Hell no!" I said. "She is a woman, she cannot be any sort of help." Boromir said. "And, forth those sexist comments." I said. "I shall be coming." I swear Celebrian was screaming in delight with Elrond (who I could tell was.) "But- Elrond... p-please." Aragorn said with puppy eyes. "I'll give you ANYTHING, just. Please, get her out of my sights." begged Elrond. "And what's wrong with her?" Frodo, obviously, asked. "She already injured 32 elves, and made half of them deaf. Imladris won't be here by the time you get back, ring or not!" Elrond said close to sobs. "Can I marry Arwen?" Aragorn asked. "F-fine, just go before I change my mind." Elrond said putting on his elf lord act. I was infuriated. So was Boromir. "Anyway, you'll need people of intelligence on this mission… quest… thing." Pippin smiled. "Well that rules you out, Pip." Merry muttered, grinning. "10 companions, so be it" Elrond said quickly to make sure no more hobbits come "you shall be the fellowship of the ring."  
End of flash back  
And that, is how I got into the fellowship. But there wasn't a Legolas flaw. Too bad, oh well. Just read the next chapter.

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**Let's only hope our dear fellowship be able to stand her. And lets hope our dear Leggy Bear be able to stay alive.**


	3. Nightwatch: Elvish Abilities

**I can't believe my luck! My dad's out for the day. That means I can type my heart away, you know with the twins grounded and my older brother at a friends. My dad has finally lost it. "Brush your face" "I need to go back to the shop to get my camera" "I don't know if I have enough juice on my camera to make a new contact"**  
**When it really should've been. "Wash your face" "I need to go back to the condo to get my camera" and "I don't know if I have enough memory on my phone to make a new contact." But enough about me and my crazy life!**  
**I don't own LOTR even though I wish so.**

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_Chapter 3: Night watch: Elvish Abilities_

You know what's creepy? Legolas. Especially when he sleeps, which doesn't happen often do to elvish abilities. He sleeps in a hippie guru type of way. His nostrils are flared a bit and his eyes are open. Once he was sleeping upside down hanging from a tree. I tell ya, it's creepy! So when those fanfics say 'he looked so peaceful and beautiful sleeping.' They're lying through their very teeth.

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**Ok, yeah, short. But, I mean, you really think that elves are normal enough to sleep... typical species? Especially Legolas? Gained another stalker today. See my life?**


	4. the chapter in which title is inside

**Apparently this is more of a hate rant. I'M TRYING TO CHANGE THAT. Sorry but I can't say many good things (in my own opinion) of (sarcastically) ****_*sigh*_**** Legolas. So, put aside those asinine comments and just whatever. I will try an re-do chapter 2 as most have hated it there. And for chapter 3, we never got to (or I never got to) see Legolas sleeping in LOTR ****(which I do not own)**** so I thought I could just make it up. As for 'anger issues' I'm stressed, and I'm sadly and shamefully taking it out on you guys. But I was watching a Babe Ruth movie when I was naming her so. Who knew Ruth meant anger in elvish? Enough of this. I'll try and go more book Legolas.**

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_Chapter 4: Racist Elves and racist dwarves: The truce_

I can take when he's next to me it feels as if I'm worthless. He's a noble prince. Who wouldn't? And sure, when he can be a show off. And I can even handle it when he constantly sings (this one's more book verse) something in Sindarian, though I can't understand it. But when he and Gimli go head to head in your famous 'my horse is bigger than your horse' kind of competition, that's when I draw the line. I hear things like "dôl gîn lost!" And "pe-channas!" Coming from Legolas and things like "Ishkhaqwi ai durugnul!" From Gimli. So one day I tried splitting it up. Bad idea...  
Flash back  
"At least I know what meat is!" The dwarf yelled at the elf. "At least my kin did not awaken a Barlog!" Legolas retorted. "That's it!" I screamed coming between the two. "I have absolutely had it! You" I said pointing to the elf "are a noble elf warrior prince that fights off spiders, walks on snow, sings, can't get drunk, and is absolutely perfect!" I shifted my gaze to Gimli "and you! You're one of the only dwarves I'll find! You're a great miner, craftsman, fighter, drinker, and your the what- son of Gloin? Soon enough you'll become the lord of the glittering caves!" I looked back at Legolas "and you'll be king of Mirkwood, and then you'll sail off to Valinor to live 'happily forever'." I sighed in frustration "I thought there was a 'legendary courtesy of elves' and at least some decency from dwarves!" I walked away with the last words of "I thought by now you two would've grown up."  
Then night came  
I opened my eyes to see the world un-right and dizzy. My first thought was 'scream you intolerant fool!' And my other 'why do I feel very nauseous?' Then I realised. I was hanging upside down tied to a tree. Then I heard a laughing in the distance. And out came Legolas and Gimli. I screamed for Gandalf like, ten times before he came yelling "Quiet you fool! Every orc in Middle Earth will hear this noise!" And then he saw me and his expression turned from anger, to concern. Then the rest of the fellowship (including Legolas and Gimli) came looking oh-so-concerned. Weapons and everything. I knew if I said Legolas than they'll never believe me. And Gimli can't reach this high. So I just stuck to good old "I don't know how the hell I got like this!" The only time that they'll put aside their racist commentary and fighting. Is when there's revenge involved.

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_Translations:_

_Ishkhaqwi ai durugnul: I spit upon your grave_  
_pe-channas: idiot_  
_dôl gîn lost: your head is empty_

**Okay, I was trying to go a little more book verse Legolas. And this one I kinda liked so, please no more flames. And I'm taking down the previous note and will try and update daily. No promises, only tries. I have a lot of ideas I can't waist all at once. So, any ideas for this, send them in! I'm trying hard. Just stress ok? Sorry for again, shamefully taking it out on you.**


	5. Goodbye For Now

ATTENTION:

Due to recent difficulties (Internet) I must take down this fanfiction.

**BUT THIS IS NOT THE END!**

Rest assure assure that I absolutely swear on the most sacred name of J.R.R. Tolkien and equally sacred name of Elijah Wood that once I rewrite this, your fanfiction fanfiction entertainment shall continue.

Ps. If someone wants to be my beta for the rewrite, please PM me!

Pros-

Bragging rights

Sneak peeks

I take your suggestions into account!

_And more!_

_Just do it!_

_Goodbye for now on!_

-Olympic Gold Penguin


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